Staring into his shallow blue eyes I see my wish for him.  I wish to be a part of what I once was, but what I forget is that look.  The look he used to give me when he wanted something.  I have yet to figure out what he desires.  My curiousity seems to build with every complex glance.  My reactions show what I want.  My long, pensive glaces towards him... that feeling of uncertainty when he stares back... and then my simple letdown when I feel his eyes are lying to me.  I can't look at those eyes... those eyes that promised me the world, those eyes that kissed me to make me feel better, those eyes that hurt me more than anyone else ever could.  But thank god for those eyes.  For they are the only thing that have ever been true with him.

so... too much at once.  The guy I think I may just like has a girlfriend.  That should be qualified as a dead end right there.  My ex is making himself look like the biggest moron in Nevada, which surprisingly.. he may just be AND I'm to the point of wanting to murder my brother as we speak.  Anyone who finds themself on a computer for more than 7 hours a day... should be SHOT!  Ridlin and a prayer won't even work.  So I find myself in the position of still hating my ex and yet letting myself talk to him... while turning my attention to a guy who I could never  have a chance with.  Letting my friends know any part of this would be like shooting myself in the foot.  I know what I'm doing.

      What is there to do anymore?  It almost seems that "being single" is about as normal as wearing a paper bag over your head.  I don't want to feel dependent on people... the people that have proven they could care less.  Why do I care what they think?  The people I thought I knew... but prove me wrong.  Was it really change for him?  Or was it more or less that he put on a show to make me feel special?  I almost feel he was my first love wasted... that even the moments I look back on, that make me miss him more and more, were something out of a playwrite. 

      But I remember now.... he loved me.  He loved me so much that he could never back down when we both knew he was wrong... when he knew I loved him, but he had to act his age, so he wouldn't "hurt" me.  That must be the part I find the must unbelievable.  The fact that he still blames me for our falling out.  I don't blame him.. nor do I blame myself.  He still makes himself look good when it comes to our past.  Telling people that he won't talk to me because he doesn't want to "hurt" me.  As if he hadn't acheived that when he threw me to the side, but could always pick me up for one more kiss.  It has gotten past the point of hurt... it was to the point of hatred.  Now, I find myself wondering, why?  Why can he lie to my face, while I'm in tears and then turn around and be with whomever he wants?  Why is it that the good girl loses?

     After I wonder why... I just know that I can't hate him.  Although he (and I) made my life worse than even my hardest times, I won't hate him.  Karma will come and show him that false care comes with a price.  Let it hit him hard!